Showing posts with label Spicy Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spicy Food. Show all posts

16 April 2016

CHINKSTAURANT PROPOSAL 1: 新山汉, 老榆林


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this the kind of grainy feel we going for

PREAMBLE. PREFACE TO CHINKSTAURANTS.

a chink about to go to the annals of way back and give you what you need: some food blog shit. Kind of. a chink gonna give you his proposal for the long talked about chinkstaurants. after eating out for a while, a chink been thinking like shit, nobody really make food for chinks by chinks, we need that shit. not just food for chinks, rather food for  chinks. damn, new York times and them stupid ass white bois always talking about migrants in Beijing and goofy ass cities and shit like that, but what about the chinkpeasants in their own country? no white boi gonna give a fuck about a chink living in some wack ass dormitory adjacent from a sewer pathway or a chink whose relatives are these sewer bois or a chink who was one of these kinds of people.

before giving you what you need, a chink gonna define for you what it means to be and how to say the magical incantation of 

 /ʂa̠n55/ meaning mountain
in a chink’s hometown peasant ass , we say /san/ so this how you should hear it in your head

 /xa̠n51/ meaning sweat, chink, Chinese, etc. so here were using the chink meaning

a chink assumes you’re not stupid and you can figure out how to define a compound word so a chink is not gonna define for your stupid ass

so that being said, we’ve established the reason for this restaurant.

let’s write a ledger for this:

Purpose: to open a chinkstaurant made for, cooked by

good that’s out of the way

I. TARGET AUDIENCE

first off, if you’re white, take a step back and think about this without projecting yourself in this shit, we’ve already established that this blog not directed at you, you just feature every now and then as some comic relief. long duk dong? hmmmmmmm. yeah so you white douche dick(?) alright there’s your disclaimer
DISCLAIMER
(well maybe that was a little bit late and should’ve been placed a bit earlier on)
(but you’re probably white so you just want everyone to share so whatever, who cares, just read it) (lol) (so pale) (chinks so stupid for thinking white skin good) (maybe not so good, maybe sickly, pale, empty…)
OK

yeah so a chink assumer that if you understood the subtext behind this DISCLAIMER, you get that this is not a chinkstaurant where whitebois are welcome or accommodated(?) [gaspmoji] shit, somewhere I’m not wanted? damn

rewind a little bit, cool it like I’m rolling off that—

so the only people welcome generally will be
·      chinks who can read chink script
·      chinks who not got their heads so high up their rectum that they’re basically white
·      chinks who down to experiment
·      chinks who aren’t afraid to have something their parents look down upon
·      chinks who don’t look down upon other darkskinned chinks and think they’re peasant, except, well, a chink, this chink, in particular, actually, in fact, is, affirmatively, a  (a chink hope that at this point, you know what this term means) ok (actually, I, now, here, as text editor wanted to clarify something on the part of poorhomiewei, so in chinkland, not so many fields and hay praries and stupid shit like that, boondocks, Ozarks, southwester france shit frogs exist, so our peasants kind of just live in the mountains and stuff. ok that’s good. [take a step back]. Exit text editor upstage. (off the stage (into the audience? yes))) ok we’re good
·      chinks who don’t think they’re too good to kick back now and then, or all the time with some MSG (most sacred garnish), some good old fashioned 地沟油 (Enter text editor upstage. this we need to define. I’ll define this now. yeah, so in chinkland, we don’t really want to wast shit (lolno), but especially not oil, so we go around at night and recuperate the used oil of various restaurants and, as the title indicates, gutters. don’t be worried, tastes great, maybe you’ll be sick, but that’s on you isn’t it?), moutai, most likely fake, but who can get real shit? if you can get real shit, we know you’re fake
·      chinks who aren’t fobs? maybe, they’re good for money and that’s about it. hold up, a chink loves fobs, but a chink hates fob 富二代 (second generation rich, meaning those goddamn chinks who fucking yelling in their stupid ass city mandarin in mclennan about stupid ass math and shit. fuck those chinks, they subverting fucking laws and requirements to destroy the value of American schools, fuck, also maybe more annoying and privileged than whitegirls [GASP])

a chink generally just mean that he saw the worst people of his surroundings gorged on food and not respecting the culture lying stupid, white, and [fully clothed?]
II. WHO TO EXCLUDE (MEANING THAT THESE RODENTS WILL JUST WANT TO COME EVEN MORE, FUUUUCKKKK)

wearing stan smiths, distressed jeans, and red sox hats when they don’t even know the fuck is pitchfx, war, UZR, shit FUCK BOSTON
dressing like their homeless when they just fucking too stupid to know the valancing behind the way their appearance acts as a political message, you think that poor people want to look like they poor? shit
doing various drugs because they’re white and will never get fucked by larger structures, and completely ignorant that anyone non-white gets fucked for life doing the same damn thing, fucking stupid ass white bois doing cocaine and then nothing happen besides they get a nosebleed and no jail time and no conscience and using hard earned money peddling money to pay for their lack of structure and—————
thinking that everyone needs to share their culture just because they themselves are too empty to create one except by stealing other peoples’ and not trying to change it or adapt it or trying to do anything original with it
and only doing this because they cannot bear to look at themselves
dreaming to make white spaces in other peoples’ Time & Space through images stolen, and copied the archangel of the buddha of another world in 2 visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensation of 南无阿弥陀佛
trying to create a sensation of their own syntax without stealing and eating and hopefully they will stand before you speechless and intelligent and shaking with shame, rejected yet confessing out the soul to conform to the rhythm of thought in his naked and endless head and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve and starve
having to for the rest, with the absolute heart of any meaning and propriety butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years as they will be
gorging on themselves for ever and a thousand years.

also no whitebois with too much product in their hair. EVER

III. DÉCOR

first off, a chink would like to give a big shout out to the fabled mtl establishment named SUWU. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID WHITE POVERTY PORN INSENSITIVE ASS. first you think youère kooul car t’as un nom qui semble chinoise. vas te défoncer tu conasse de putain. qu’est-ce que tu penses être, saloppe???? tu crois qu’il est correcte d’utiliser un nom qui semble chinois ou exotique pour que tu puisses fournir drhhinkz fooour ze hwyt bois quand ils sont very très très druhunque? tu penses que nôtre linguâge iz ohké foruh u tou utiliser? second off, bruh. suwu is what bloods use to salute each other, you think it’s cool to use that shit as a restaurant? damn, a chink might just call his restaurant heil hitler. fucking worse of white folks, or are they the best of white folks, or are they synonomous, or is there even a difference between any of them? shit
—ice cube (not really)

all praise cube.
we not gonna do this kind of goofy shit with the chinkstaurant. there gonna be no stupid ass disrespect going on in this place. the décor may seem offensive to whitebois and seen as slumming or some shit, but for a chink, this restaurant is supposed to bring him some sort of nostalgia, some sort of comfort that reminds him of home.

seats: stumps on the ground indoors about the distance between your ass and the floor when you get into a good deep squat. hopefully splintery wood

tables: fold out stool

utensils: chopsticks and spoons only, no forks/knives allowed outside of the kitchen

walls: all black, with kobe, baerod jerseys and some paintings. a chink’s twelve year-old cousin does some good chinkligraphy, it’d be stupid not to contract her, also we gon invest in a Basquiat, the Chinese boxer rebellion preferably

lights: orange-ish incandescent industrial lamps hanging from the roof to mimic that late night feel

kitchen: a couple of coal stoves and some some iron barbecue pits and shit, some sinks in the back, a couple good fridges and freezers. no skimping on health

washrooms: no indoor advanced whiteman plubming. only outdoor wooden shack squat toilet. no toilet paper provided, must bring own. hand sanitizer however provided. must carry candle or flashlight

plants: yeah, various good luck chink plants brought to you by a chink’s family

china: (lol) cheap plastic bowls and dishes. probably gonna have misspelt English words on them. also, plastic gloves provided

smoking: yes

alcohol: no whiteman fancy drinks. good beer and chink liquour only. byob. if not good enough, smashed upside your head

location: one of those cheapish places that everyone walks by, but people too scared to go into

exterior: perpetually hung chink new years door frame banners, bigass sign in fluorescent lights saying: 新山, 

signage/menus: no menus printed, everything written on a chalkboard. no English. no French. no alphabets. no numbers. all chink script everyday. maybe pictures. probably not

music: blend of hard bop 50s-early 70s art blakey, gangster rap, folk music

fun knick-knacks: some books and shit, maybe some chink peasant toys, like a brick or some shit, or plastic 金箍棒

IV. ACTUAL FOOD BUSINESS/STYLE/AND SHIT

only food that will and is served is some good old fashioned food. so lots of mutton, mung beans, potatoes, daikon, and various grasses. no food will be shipped. only food consumed/cooked will be local. no whiteman will be allowed entry if tries to write or report on it. no whiteman will be allowed in the kitchen. no whiteman will be allowed to touch the food if he has no experience in SPECIFICALLY 陕北food or can speak . 
the menu will consist of:
                      杂烩                       浆饭                       韭菜盒子
凉皮                           韭菜盒子                   土豆                       羊肉
拼三                       糊料                       羊肉泡                       夹馍
林扁食                   辣椒                       孜然羊肉                   干羊肉

no canto shit, no Sichuan shit, no Beijing shit, no Zhejiang shit, no wuhan shit.
only 北/西shit.

no one hired to cook if they’re not from 西, no non-chinks hired to work. period.
anyone hired must pass an accent check/patriotism check/non-affiliation with fuckbois(girls) check/no previous ownership of stan smith’s check


V. TRADITIONS / BEST PRACTICES PROTOCOL

no English will be spoken in the chinkstaurant, only read
            this will educate you. read before you speak
must take a shot for each generation of detachment from Victorian England or any colonial whiteman land
            this will purify your bondage to your colonialist whore heritage
no one will help you with the menu, no one will assist you if you don’t speak chink
            this will make you feel as mute as the chinks do everyday
must smoke five cigarettes during session
            this will make sure you aren’t a weakass punk
also, only chinkgarettes/camels/gauloises allowed. if not possessed, they will be provided, and subsequently billed to your charge, no currency conversion, direct RMB to USD
all staff will wear a headband with the bow on the forehead and an employee will wear some sort of kobe paraphernalia at any given moment
            this is to affirm your fraternity with blacks
MUST EAT CILANTRO, NO ONE CAN TELL A CHINK HOW TO ALTER HIS FAMILY RECIPE BESIDES HIS FAMILY

this is to ensure you do not pollute any chink flavors with your stupidass white palette

VI. FISCAL STRATEGY

no doubt the chinkstaurant will attract various chinks, but also whites who slumming, looking for some niche place. white man will be greeted warmly and promptly charged 83% extra white/douche tax, a percent for every year chink immigrant exclusion existed. for whatever reason, the shittier and more local a chink can make a place like this, whites will flock. we can let them come in, they’ll just eat off a different menu and pay different prices:

avg non-white fare: 100 for party of 5. v full, no just normal white restaurant full, baijiu-chuggin 100kg mongolchink full. baijiu not included (bottle starts at 60, v reasonable if you look around. shit, a chink would never scam a chink. chinks need to build back this trust)

white fare: 50 per scalp. no baijiu given. instead, 46% grain liquor in old baijiu bottles served. 100 per bottle. v reasonable (friends of wei get 25% discount)

VII. CONCLUSION

man, I don’t even know, shit. sometimes a chink just wants some nostalgia in life. that’s that shit taken away from chinks by dislocated lives. that’s that shit that whites make money off of. that’s that shit I don’t like. this chinkstaurant. that’s the stuff of dreams. that’s the shit I do like. that’s the shit that’ll make a chink feel like he at home.

man sad shit is that a chink can’t tell老娘。老娘肯定听不么些。肯定没有当成她宝宝能心里面有么多的仇恨。也就的,老个日子也就的。咋们这种人也就的。咋们这种山也就永回不了家。家已没了。咋也就能继续下去。