Showing posts with label Cilantro. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cilantro. Show all posts

07 March 2016

shaanbei chink in china(canto)town

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homeboi koi
Since the disastrous (maybe not) visit to Orange Rouge at the beginning of reading week, a chink hasn’t been to any Chinese restaurants. But, as is tradition when a chink goes to midway, a chink gotta go get some real late night 中餐。

Luckily, since a chink and the Brodie went to Midway, Chinatown was a step away.
Then onto the  
avenue where green plastic bags are flipping  
above shitty winter sorel boots and blow up over  
grates covered with slush. The sun is nonexistant, but the  
cabs stir up the air. I look  
at bargains in wristwatches. There  
are cats playing in sawdust.
By 1ish, we’d had three drinks in an hour. Good return on the money lol. Nah. Midway’s nice and all but I’d give the $$$ tag. Probably not, you can get a nice whiskey sour for 11, so probs $$. A chink just wanted to hype himself up, make himself look like a 大气球Ha, word don’t translate. DOE. Hey, you ask in ten minutes, and a chink probably says a drink costs 15.

So the boi HK had himself a whiskey sour, a sazerac, and a derby. I also had a derby, a whiskey sour, and a Moscow mule. So a couple of chinks feeling southern noya Louisiana alabam mix that chink with tha whiteboi credo,
I take her ass to panda express if she fu—搞好我
Yeah so by the time a chink and the boy HK have finished their drinks, another Chinese couple (hetero) have shown up as well as two single quebecoises and a Quebecois couple. They all seem like tourists. YEEEEE a chink is livin the tourist life. Can’t escape that shit now can you? Next thing you know, a chink be like: I plucked pink blossoms from mine apple-tree / And wore them all that evening in my hair; /Then in due season when I went to see /I found no apples there. HA, fucking idiot. APPLE TREES ARE PERENNIALS, YOU HICK? Well, a chink only knows that because a chink actually is a hick from the good old 陕甘宁边区city of榆林. Bruh, woshishanhanlaizhishaanxishengyulinshi, among other places. BRUH.

###hastag positive vibes only

, which provides a good pivot into the centerpiece of the post: the late night, superspecial, chinktastic, chinkarvelous, chinktacular, fantastichink, marvechink, spechink, chink food.                   And I love you
                                        like                                                   Kanye

So last semester, a chink been out till 5am on quite a few occaisions often on sundayfunday,oftenonotherdays,mostoftenonthegreatblvdstlaurentTHEMAIN,ofteninchinatown—so a respectable chinaman knows the way around his little shtetl and the late night delicacies that are available with which to treat the venerable master, his highness—Why you wanna a good man with a broken heart?

A chink got two spots he knows. Generally, all good chinks will appraise a restaurant the following way:
So a chink looks through the windows to see the customers the two contending restaurants—Restaurant cuisine cantonaise 满城酒家. Well obviously, you’d think that the 满城酒家is the better choice, but nah, a chink usually goes to the one with a French name. Anyways, all chinks know it’s 酒店not酒家I digress. (ha) On this particular evening, the French name one has an array of Indians, blacks, and south Asians. PASS.

So off to 满城酒家it is. In all honesty they’re pretty much interchangeable. Maybe the French name one gets my support because it has that wackass traditional, (electric) Chinese lunar calendar waterfall plastic brick-clock on the back wall. Reminds a chink of home. AHHHHH sars.

When we get in满城酒家,a chink speak to the server, who’s just, you know, sitting, and you know, just chilling, and you know, just filing his nails, and you know, not giving a fuck, and you know, just jamming out to some
Sometimes I'm wishin' that my dick had GoPro
So I could play that shit back in slo-mo
I just shot an amateur video; I think I should go pro
and you know, just Yeezy wearing. Well no on the last count. So I speak to him, and he barely understands me. Worlds colliding. I can’t speak Cantonese; he can’t understand my rheum-sounding, mountain-man, chinkturban wearing, goat-blood sipping, baby sacrificing, infant girl dumpl—no. He can’t understand my shaanbei accent because [shrugmoji]. So he gets the chink sitting in the back, bomber jacket wearing, got his jeans tightly creased / cap tipped slightly east chink to listen to me. And joy floods over me as I order, no need to look at the menu. I guess ma and pa worked in those restaurants so a chink could know the menu back and forth and side to left? YEEEEzy yeez—

So we get some 辣椒鸡(well he didn’t understand what that was so I just said kungpao mothafucka [shrugmoji][smilingchinkmoji][抗日])、麻婆豆腐, and an indiscriminate tea that I presume was jasmine. Sheeeeet. A chink don’t give no fucks at this point, just wanna feast on some mothafucking sweetass goodness.

Chinktip: don’t trust anyone who is Cantonese to make you sichuancai. b/c lol, would you trust some seattle fuckboi to fry that chicken? Probs no

So a chink and boi HK finish that shit fast as fuck. Honestly couldn’t really taste it, but whatevs, we’s all knows that a chink’s going’s to chink’s food’s late at night’s to just eat’s and shit’s not for the palatal intercourse.

So yeah, we devour it then we order something else. And I’m like, shit I know you’s got nothing spicy enough for this chink, so let’s cut the shit and just give me the spiciest shit you got, or at least the best shit you got. And the Mafioso, triad, probs opium slinging chinkOG in the back, he’s like, yeah I’ll hook you up with some pork liver, and a chink’s like shit. Bruh. i. don’t. got. No. handkerchief. On. Me. RN!!!!!

ahhh shit, a chink forgot to take a pic.
It gets to us and I’m just like lol. I can smell yo jalapanos and that squid you made black. All good though, honestly, there’s, one, nothing better than seeing ya boi HK sweat it out, and there was a decent amount of liver anyways and A CHINK ALWAYS DOWN, BRUUUUHHH. LISTEN TO THE KEEEDS. #KANYE2020

At the end of the day(night?) we got our fucking food. And that’s all that matters. A chink isn’t a chink isn’t a chink isn’t a Chinese isn’t a man isn’t a chink if he don’t like that cheapass Cantonese food. The act of the people in the process of the work of going through that act of oppression of making food of whatever kind of ability to support themselves. Authenticity be damned.

                                         TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED


03 March 2016

On Eating Tacos with Gringos

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Sometimes a chink will get out of his hermit shell and go out with other people. Generally, this involves a chink telling either lesser chink or indian boi that we’re going out. Every time they do go out, a chink takes them somewhere new in the city. And almost every attempt, they bitch out because they’re scared of taking public transportation.

The other day when a chink asked if they wanted to go out for tacos, they surprisingly complied and off we went, on the dangerous metro. At Taco del Rey, we waited 45 for the other hoes they invited.
I. Catalytic event
Some ho, pale, white, ginger, ate a taco like a burrito. The corn tortilla nicely supplied by the nice hermoso servidor mexicano was quickly pissed upon by this gringa. She first slathered the weakass salsa (for white-people) all over the damn tortilla like a fucking lunchable.

Ho used a knife like she was buttering toast.

As if this weren’t enough, she proceeds to drop the stingiest amounts of cebolla, cilantro, y limón sobre el taco barbacoa. Lesser chink y yo la preguntamos si quería comer un kilo de barbacoa con nosotros. Gringa was like, sureeeee, fineeeeee, I guess. Hihi. Then proceeds to drop maybe two bits of meat on the damn taco. Probably didn’t want to get her white hands dirty with the food of the people.

II. Other equally egregious things
proper enjoyment of chink cuisine/
can't handle it, don't go

  • White people and Hard Shell tacos
  • Eating dumplings with a fork and knife
  • White people eating rice with a spoon
  • Asking chink food to be less spicy
  • Thinking that clean restaurants mean good service
  • Fear of chink hole in the ground toilets
  • Refusing msg (most sacred gastrology) in food
  • Fear of non rich man meat cuts
  • Not eating family style at chinkstaurants
  • Whiteman selling chink food

III. Characters
Non-dog eating bitches: culturally tiering colonialists. Dog abuse is different. Most dog meat is farmed like a pig or cow blah blah blah

Vegans: lol. Keep eating your kiwis from thousands of miles away. #shippingcosts #greenhousegas #algore

Non-cilantro tolerant hoes (allegies exluded): bruuuhhhhhh

IV. Locale
Jeeeentalon and casgrain-ish. Green to berriuqam, orange to jeeeeentalllllon

V. Conclusion
NEVER AGAIN (with gringAs), fucking ruined my taquexperience
tacos were great as always. habanero sauce: 30/10. 
tacos: 11/10 (sidenote, 1kilo of barbacoa may be too much) (al pastor probably better) 
El rey del taco = el rey del taco(s de mtl)

VI. Music
Face | Urinal | Funeral